The Upside of Envy

[The Big PINK One♥]

Go green-eyed when something special happens to a friend? Congratulations. Jealousy isn’t just normal, it can even be good for you.

I'm not the jealous type. I laugh it off when my boyfriend brags to me that the pizza joint cashier flirts with him every day at lunch and when he tells me an attractive girl in the car ahead of him paid his toll once. But when a coworker and good friend landed a job at a company I had been trying to get into for years, my "That's great. I'm so happy for you" came with a mental chaser of You couldn't possibly deserve to work there as much as I do.

For the next 2 weeks, as she happily chirped about her new salary (bigger than mine) and office (with a window), an evil litany ran through my brain, and a gnawing, acidic feeling settled in my gut. Happy for her? Sure I was. So happy that I planned detours to avoid her desk. So happy that my internal monologue relentlessly pointed out her flaws -- real and (mostly) imagined. So thrilled that, with gritted teeth, I listened to her gush about the great apartment she found, thinking, I hope your new boss is a micromanaging psycho...with BO...and coffee breath.

Okay, so maybe I am the jealous type. My own thoughts panicked me. Was I an awful friend? An awful person? Do women deserve their reputation for cattiness and backbiting?

"Jealousy is definitely an experience common to all of us," says Jennifer Coleman, a marriage and family counselor. "And, yes, it's normal." We've all had the occasional evil thought: She's so skinny, she makes me sick or She doesn't deserve such a great guy. "There's nothing horrible about that," Coleman says. "It's a defense when we feel vulnerable -- when someone else is getting status or recognition for something we want."

In fact, beyond being normal, jealousy can actually be a good thing. Think of it as the personal trainer of emotions, motivating you to work harder for what you want -- be it a better job, stronger relationship, or smaller pants size.

Insecurity Check

Modern women hardly have a monopoly on jealousy. "There is no culture with a total lack of jealousy, past or present, anywhere in the world," says Gordon Clanton, Ph.D., a sociology professor at San Diego State University. Like all emotions, it's an evolutionary throwback, helping humans form and maintain relationships by eliminating rivals. "Jealousy is a protective reaction to a perceived threat," Dr. Clanton says. The body's response to any threat is the same: fight or flight, as the stress hormone cortisol rushes our systems. This is why jealousy -- or its sibling, envy -- feels so bad.

Unfortunately, women may be more prone to the feeling than men because of how we relate to each other. "Women's friendships, whether personal or professional, often involve sharing a lot of intimate information right away," says Nan Mooney, author of I Can't Believe She Did That. "We tend to bond over similarities in our lives and the things we're struggling with. If those similarities disappear -- for instance, two women hate their jobs, then one finds a fantastic new position -- we can feel the friendship is at risk and find ourselves asking, 'Why did that happen to her, not me?'"

It doesn't help that the same qualities that attract you to a friend -- she's outgoing, athletic, close to her mom -- are the same things you're apt to envy, says Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender studies professor at Marymount Manhattan College and author of Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry. "In some ways, there is a tacit consent that we should be jealous of the prettiest or most popular girls," she says.

Part of the problem, Barash believes, is that historically one woman's gain has been another's loss. We tend to feel there isn't enough pie to go around and end up competing for jobs, spouses, kids, and looks. Men compete too, but without all the baggage. "Men can be intense rivals at some sporting event, then go out and have beers afterward," Barash says. Women aren't allowed such a clean division. "We perpetuate the myth that we're all in it together. So how can you admit you're jealous of your friend?"

Guilt, Shame, and Other Fun Stuff

Indeed, the real problem with jealousy may be how it makes us feel about ourselves. Randi Kuhn, 24, a guidance secretary in a Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, high school, was nothing but excited for her pregnant coworker -- until the woman started to get morning sickness. The mom-to-be never realized how her complaints sounded to Kuhn, who was diagnosed at age 21 with polycystic ovarian syndrome, a condition that doctors told her would make it difficult, if not impossible, to get pregnant herself. "I got unbelievably jealous of her," Kuhn says. "I wished I could have morning sickness and swollen feet and backaches. I guess maybe I did feel she didn't have a right to complain and should just be happy for the whole experience." When her coworker recovered and started enjoying her pregnancy again, the feelings faded. But in the meantime, Kuhn felt so guilty about her thoughts, she made her friend a feel-better-soon basket.

Other times, jealousy inspires less laudatory behavior. "We're ashamed of our feelings and they come out in more underhanded ways, like gossiping or spreading rumors," Mooney says.

We're conditioned to react like that all the way back in childhood. "Think about fairy tales," Barash says. "Cinderella was a threat — they were so jealous of her purity and beauty and good temper, they wanted her to disappear." Ditto Snow White, Rapunzel, and dozens of others.

This Way Out

So how do you keep a lid on your inner evil stepsister? One way is to recognize your feelings. When I complained to my boyfriend about my friend's new job and he told me I sounded jealous, I denied it. But it made me think. I realized she wasn't being as obnoxious as I thought -- I was jealous. So now what?

Talk about it. "Admit you're happy for your friend but jealous of her promotion," Mooney says. "Just getting the feeling out enables you to move on." Of course, when I confessed, my friend wasn't upset at all, and I did feel better. Also ask yourself if you really want what you think you do. In the end, I didn't. I like my job, even sans sunny office and supersize salary.

But talking it out doesn't always help with casual acquaintances. In such cases, don't blame yourself for feeling jealous, but figure out what's driving it. "Jealousy can pinpoint where we feel insecure, whether it's career, personal life, health, financial situation," Mooney says. "Overcome jealousy by thinking about how you can change, even in a small way."

Finally, take a step back and look at the big picture. "Everyone has their own path, and good things come to people at different times," Mooney says. Jealousy just may be pointing you in the right direction.

courtesy of AOL Health